How to Compare Yourself to Others Without Getting Totally Depressed

I love the internet and am fascinated by how effortless it has become to stalk stay in touch with people and blackmail them get instant updates on what cool things they’re up to.

Of course, Facebook, LinkedIn, and the rest have also made it incredibly difficult to avoid comparing ourselves with everyone and their brother.

Melanie just won the Met job?!

Milo and Madison just got married?!

Michael’s quartet just performed with who?!

Argh! Why does it seem like everyone I went to school with has a perfect life, complete with thriving career, 2.5 super cute kids, beautiful dandelion-free lawn, and the world’s cutest puppy?

Comparing our accomplishments with that of others can be discouraging and demoralizing.

So it’s no surprise that many top performers work diligently to cultivate an internal locus of evaluation, or a set of criteria for defining success on one’s own terms – not what society or one’s social circle would define as an acceptable version of “success.”

It’s hard to ignore others’ achievements completely, but as it turns out, paying attention to others’ accomplishments can sometimes be helpful. Where others’ successes can actually increase our own confidence.

How so?


Psychologist Albert Bandura has spent decades researching “self-efficacy,” or the belief we have in our ability to achieve a particular goal.

Our self-efficacy comes from several different sources, the most impactful of which is previous experiences. For instance, if our solo goes really well in rehearsals and in the first few performances, we’re more likely to believe that it will go well the next time too.

But another source of self-efficacy is “vicarious experiences,” or times when we see others succeed. As in, “hmm…if so-and-so did it, I bet I could do it too.”

Vicarious experiences at the water park

I’ve been wanting to take our kids to a water park for years. So this summer, we finally did it.

We thought the kids were old enough, but when they saw the size and speed of the slides, their eyes grew bigger and they got quiet.

My son was hesitant, but once he saw the other kids successfully navigate the slides, he gave it a try, and was soon having a blast.

My daughter on the other hand, remained skeptical. Watching her older brother get to the bottom safely didn’t do much to enhance her self-efficacy, and since there weren’t any children her age going down the slide, she had no opportunities to build confidence through meaningful vicarious experiences.

Indeed, vicarious experiences are most helpful when the people experiencing success are individuals that we perceive to be similar to us.

So if you’re going to compare yourself with someone else, compare yourself with someone whom you perceive to be similar in some way.

Maybe you both grew up in a small town. Or went to the same school. Or studied with the same teachers. Or won the same competition.

We have seen an example of this in the NBA recently. The success of players like Stephen Curry (drafted #7 out of Davidson College) and Damian Lillard (drafted #6 out of Weber State), has not only made other “mid-major” talents more optimistic about the possibility of an NBA career, but emboldened teams to take a chance on other players from smaller schools.

My next door neighbor

Also watch out for the tendency to underestimate yourself and put everyone else up on a pedestal. Just because we don’t see someone’s struggles and low points doesn’t mean it’s peaches and sunshine for them all the time.

Case in point, I once lived next door to a concert artist, and often heard him practicing through the wall. I didn’t know he was a well-known performer though, until a friend told me. At first, I didn’t believe my friend.

Because my neighbor didn’t sound like what I imagined a world-class artist would sound like.

He played out of tune. He made mistakes. He kept stopping. He struggled to get things just right. I could even hear him get frustrated at times.

On stage, he sounded amazing, but it was a revelation (and strangely reassuring) to discover that top performers don’t just roll out of bed sounding like their world-class selves.

They can have rough days in the practice room, play out of tune, have memory slips, and crack notes too.

It’s trickier to compare yourself with someone you don’t perceive as being similar, but if your mind insists on comparing yourself to someone who is older/more advanced/more experienced/etc., at least try to avoid comparing your worst moments with their best moments.

Remember that it may not be so much that they’re different, but that they’re just a few steps ahead of where you are right now.

Focus on strategies, not outcomes

The last thing to keep in mind if you’re going to engage in external comparisons, is to focus less on others’ successes and achievements (which will just make you feel all insecure and mopey), and more on the strategies or process they used to get there (which you can learn from, and utilize to get you there faster).

What are the keys to their preparation? How do they stay in control of their emotions before a performance? What do they focus on while performing?

Top performers aren’t necessarily blessed with unwavering confidence, focus, and resilience. Most have to work at it quite a bit. So the good news is that there’s nothing wrong with us. We’re not screwed up or hopelessly broken or deficient. We just have a bit of work to do, and if they’ve already figured out the answers, we might as well take advantage of their experience and insights.

Take action

Sport psychology consultant and author Terry Orlick has conducted in-depth interviews with many top performers, from elite mountain climbers to astronauts to surgeons.

The transcripts below are fascinating and reassuring at the same time. As you read through the transcripts below for strategies you can apply to your own mental toolkit, you’ll notice some recurring themes. Focus. Positive mindset. Thorough preparation.

For me, the main takeaway was how hard they all worked. How much attention was paid to the smallest details. How failures were turned into future successes.

It was also clear that they didn’t arrive at their level of expertise effortlessly. They had to climb the same mountain we all do. And since we can’t know the upper limits of our potential, who’s to say we won’t get there some day too?

Curt Tribble, elite cardio-thoracic surgeon

Chris Hadfield, NASA astronaut

Caryn Davies, 2008 Olympic Gold Medalist

Elite Mount Everest climbers

Which was your favorite? What was the main actionable takeaway?

Additional resources

Terry Orlick’s archive of interviews and papers contains many more such goodies, and also includes helpful information specifically geared towards working with children.

The one-sentence summary

“Don’t compare your worst to everyone else’s best.” ~Unknown

photo credit: Daniel*1977 via photopin cc

Ack! After Countless Hours of Practice...
Why Are Performances Still So Hit or Miss?

For most of my life, I assumed that I wasn’t practicing enough. And that if I just put in the time, the nerves would eventually go away.

But in the same way that “practice, practice, practice” wasn’t the answer, “perform, perform, perform” wasn’t the answer either. In fact, simply performing more, without the tools to facilitate more positive performance experiences, just led to more bad performance experiences!

Eventually, I discovered that elite athletes are successful in shrinking the gap between practice and performance, because their practice looks fundamentally different. Specifically, their practice is not just about skill development – it’s about skill retrieval too.

This was a very different approach to practice, that not only made performing more fun (and successful), but practicing a more satisfying and positive experience too.

If you’ve been wanting to become more “bulletproof” on stage and get more out of your daily practice too, I’d love to share these research-based skills and strategies that can help you beat nerves and play more like yourself when it counts.

Click below to learn more about Beyond Practicing, and how to start making every day a good practice day. 😁


13 Responses

  1. The main takeaway for me is that, if you are busy being in love with what you’re doing, you don’t bother comparing yourself. Falling in love with the process — intrinsic motivation — is the best cure in the world for the disease of comparison. You don’t worry about who can eat a slice of chocolate cake better than you can when you’re shoveling it down. 🙂

  2. …is to focus less on others’ successes and achievements (which will just make you feel all insecure and mopey), and more on the strategies or process they used to get there (which you can learn from, and utilize to get you there faster)…

    Excellent advice, to be sure. Though how can one cull such specific information from the outside?

    1. Hi Bill,

      Indeed, it’s difficult (if not impossible) to figure out what another is doing simply from observing from the outside. Qualitative studies and interviews such as the ones below are generally a pretty good source. Books like The Way They Play or Reflections from the Keyboard begin to get into the minds of great artists as well. But when the opportunity arises, picking the brain of a top performer in any field and asking direct questions about their process often yields really interesting insights that can be applied to whatever we are trying to do in our domain of expertise.

  3. I am so glad I had time to read the interview with Curt Tribble. It was absolutely inspiring! All experiences working for good, even/especially the less desirable ones. Taking time to reach an understanding as to why any outcome, good or bad, happened as it did as part of the constant quest for betterment… Forgive and remember (but minimized so as to not be the focus!) Ideas I share with my own students, but somehow the way he has communicated them, I am reminded that they certainly continually apply to me, even in my well-established career stage. Thank you so much for having the insight to share this!

  4. I never compare myself with others. I can’t. I’m too unique.
    Seriously, if you keep in mind that you’re unique, you are forced to limitate comparisons to the minimum useful, and to think about each comparisons in terms of “ok, he does this and I do that. Maybe I could get more successful if I try his way. Or maybe not. Maybe we’re doing it differently because we are different (our minds, our bodies, our educations, our cultures) : there are many ways to achieve a goal.”
    The same goes fo everything : ok, X and Y have three kids, but I made interesting travels. I can’t sing in tune but I’m good at cooking/drawing/sewing.

    I’m always looking at how people do things to learn from them, to be inspired if they are really good, to see if I make the same errors if they fail, but I never, ever, try to compare : there’s no point, we simply are too different.

  5. “Just because we don’t see someone’s struggles and low points doesn’t mean it’s peaches and sunshine for them all the time.”
    That’s a great way to put it, and I love the story about your neighbor. It’s really been a big struggle for me through school to make sure I didn’t compare myself to others. The hardest thing for me always seemed to be the people who didn’t practice half as much as I did, and seemed to be much better. I always found it interesting to hear that they actually thought the same thing about me.

    Thanks again for the great post!

  6. Yes, it would be nice if we didn’t compare ourselves to others, BUT…

    I do find it helpful to consider how others got to where they are. I’ll imitate whoever I need to to get where I want to go. 🙂

  7. Social media is the worst for depression! On another note, “… beautiful dandelion-free lawn …” haha funny you say that, I actually really love dandelions! 🙂

  8. I think I do not compare regarding the level.
    There are other parameters like the network of the musicians, its background.
    I think a musician must not only have interest in music. It is sad if a musician is only a musician.
    Musicians can have better mindsets if they get to know what’s happening around.
    By doing so, they are more conscious about the impact of their playing on their audience in the context (concert in a hall, restaurant, street, town, location in the world, etc.).
    The musician who wants to be pro, thinks to much of being pro, or famous, or part of the “cool” musicians, and not enough of the audience.
    The audience is composed of people, real people, who live life everyday.
    Instead of comparing to others, I suggest getting to know our audience.

  9. Ha! It’s like you’re reading my diary. I can’t paint like Cezanne! I can’t play fluid arpeggios! I don’t have a stone pizza oven! I suck!

    I’ve found that facts are helpful in these situations. I’ve never actually wanted a pizza oven, I’ve never studied painting, and I play arpeggios like everybody else with my level of experience.

    1. Totally random, but have you ever tried a pizza screen? Super cheap at restaurant supply stores (or Amazon), and they do a pretty decent job of producing crisp pizza bottoms with the oven at 500 degrees. A pizza aficionado student recommended these above pizza stones (though a pizza oven would be pretty cool).

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